Black Panther premieres to the general public this week. And as we all already know, it will be the blackity, black, black, black, black, black, blackest thing that will ever happen in the history of black people, blackness and people. So black that instead of ticket stubs, the box office will give you a reparations check. So black that instead of popcorn, the concession stands will sell buckets of white tears—frozen, caramelized and sprinkled with Old Bay. So black that apparently the first 15 minutes of the movie is just an Ida B. Wells hologram playing spades with Danny Glover. So black that at each theater will be actual Black Panthers with actual black panthers on chains ready to sic on white people.
Naturally, all of this tremendous and transformative and transcendent blackness has made some of us self-conscious. Sure, you listened to Lemonade and you drink lemonade every day, which makes you sufficiently black. But are you black enough to even watch Black Panther without getting vertigo? Without being overcome with PTBD—post-traumatic blackness disorder?
Let’s see!
1. Grits are best eaten with:
a) Salt. (5 points)
b) Sugar. (-5 points)
c) Who gives a shit? It’s just a fucking grit. (0 points)
2. When playing spades, should you count the king of hearts as a book?
a) Maybe a possible, but the only niggas who count kings as definite books are Kappas. (3 points)
b) Of course! It’s a king! (-7 points)
c) Usually no, but we’re only playing spades today because my girl and I are on a double date with my homie and his new girl, and they’re too busy trying to make each other laugh (and trying not to fart) to pay attention to the board, so the king will probably walk. (1 point)
3. When did Beyoncé turn black?
a) Birth. I mean, she’s always been black, right? (0 points)
b) A month before Lemonade. (0 points)
c) Two months before Lemonade. (1 point)
4. The purpose of game nights is to:
a) Play board games and Taboo with a like-minded group of people. (-2 points)
b) Do ratchet shit in the safe confines of someone’s tastefully furnished loft. (2 points)
c) Provide a safe space to talk shit about white people. (6 points)
5. What is the proper way to spell the word to describe lighter-skinned black people?
a) Light-skinned. (-3 points)
b) Lightskinnededed. (3 points)
c) Lightskint. (3.5 points)
6. The movie Above the Rim was about:
a) Basketball. (0 points)
b) The competing pressures young black men face and the powerlessness of their efforts to fight against them. (2 points)
c) Bandannas. (4 points)
7. If you’re over 47 and you’re attending a jazz festival in the summer, what should you wear?
a) Comfortable and weather-appropriate clothes, I guess? (-5 points)
b) Is this a trick question? (-4 points)
c) Either a white linen short set or a white linen bodysuit. (5 points)
8. Have you ever bought a porno tape at a barbershop?
a) They sell porn at barbershops? (0 points)
b) Of course! (1 point)
c) Wait, there are places other than barbershops where you can buy porn?! (3 points)
9. If you have a cousin (“Kim”) who is more than 25 years older than you, how do you refer to this person?
a) Kim. (-5 points)
b) Cousin Kim. (1 point)
c) Grandma Kim. (7 points)
10. Have you witnessed a fight about potato salad?
a) Why would someone fight over potato salad? (-7 points)
b) Define “fight.” (2 points)
c) Yeah. And I had no idea Grandma Kim carried a shank to cookouts. (6 points)
Verdict:
28 to 43.5 points: You are black as fuck. Forget seeing the movie—are you sure you’re not in it?
17 to 27.5 points: You’re sufficiently black. Not super black, but just barely black enough to enter the theater. You’re basically the Acura Legend of blackness.
16.5 points or below: Don’t even try it. I mean, buy a ticket to support blackness, but go see Fifty Shades Freed instead.